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Dear Editor,

    I apologize for the lateness of this report, but I was suffering from writer’s block.  In sheer desperation, my wife and I took several days’ vacation in New York City where we stayed at the Algonquin Hotel, legendary meeting place of writers, in the hope I would regain my inspiration.  After checking in, I went to the lobby and soaked in the ambiance.  Thoughts quickly flooded my head and I ran back to our room, took up my pen, and began:  “It was a dark and stormy night…”  Alas, that was as far as I got.  I do think it is a great beginning, and I hope someday someone will use it. 
   I returned to the lobby and read a pamphlet describing the history of the Algonquin.  I discovered the timeless classic “My Fair Lady” had been written there.  Again I ran back to our room and began writing, this time with success as I hope you will agree. 

Respectfully,

Max Hunsicker

 My Fair Vulture
 or ... I Could Have Pooped All Night

         by Max Hunsicker

Readers will recall that Grundonmobile Day is a long-standing tradition in Mt. Gretna.  The Grundonmobile has been used as a weather prognosticator in the same manner as Punxatawney Phil and other rodents for so long it is hard to remember when the tradition began.  The unique feature of Grundonmobile Day is that the Grundonmobile’s  predictions are based on the digestive habits of the transient vulture population that inhabits Mt. Gretna for a portion of the year. 

The crowd begins to form

Each Grundonmobile Day, the Grundonmobile is parked beneath one of Mt. Gretna’s towering Pine trees.  If the Grundonmobile is clean at the end of the day, the members of the Lodge declare that spring has officially begun and celebrate by consuming beverages made from yeast, barley, malt, hops, and other assorted ingredients.  If, however, at the end of the day the Grundonmobile has been soiled by Vulture droppings, the Lodge declares three more years of winter shall ensue, and members try to assuage their melancholy through the consumption of beer.

Prior to this year’s Grundonmobile Day festivities, the members of The Most Secret And Benevolent Lodge Of The Grundonmobile Society met in private, to elect a spokesperson for the event.  The meeting took an ugly turn when some of the members who had not been implicated in the recent scandal involving misuse of Lodge funds challenged the legitimacy of those members who are currently being investigated.  Order was restored when it was pointed out that the vast majority of the members have been implicated in the so-called misuse of funds.  Further, it was felt that the only members not involved were probably simply absent when the questionable purchases of “medicinal” beverages were made and subsequently consumed.

The crowd continues to form

Spectator, anticipating the imminent arrival of Spring, creates one final Snow Angel

Eventually the College of Cardinals of the Grundonmobile Society reached agreement and named Max Hunsicker as Grand Exalted Poohbah of this year’s festivities.  Dale Grundon was named High Holy Keeper Of The Keys To The Currently Broken Down Grundonmobile, and Joanne Briody was named Chaplain.  Diligent followers of the Lodge will notice the position of Chaplain did not previously exist.  Members of the lodge felt Mrs. Briody’s recent donation of five dollars (in untraceable coins and currency) was deserving of recognition.  Some felt she should be named treasurer, while others suggested a treasurer might pay too much attention to expenditures.  A compromise was finally reached when it was noted we needed someone to organize our evening vespers, and the position was created.

Grundonmobile Day 2005 was held on the traditional last Saturday of February.  The day dawned bright and sunny, and the ceremonies began promptly at several minutes after ten o’clock.  The local crowd which included dignitaries, congressmen and celebrities was estimated by some to be in the hundreds, while others who had not yet begun to drink  thought the number was closer to a dozen.  Vice president Cheney was among those in attendance, however he attended in an undisclosed location for security reasons.

 The Grand Exalted Poohbah placed the official Grundonmobile Crown on his head and surveyed the crowd.  The crowd hushed in anticipation.  Camera shutters clicked, as many, or at least several, in attendance tried to capture the moment for posterity.  There is no denying that once the crown is donned, the event reaches an entirely different level of dignity.  The Poohbah began with an update on the functionality of the Grundonmobile:  not good.  The High Holy Keeper Of The Keys To The Currently Broken Down Grundonmobile reported the Grundonmobile was currently broken down, and probably would not be repaired before mid-week.  The crowd despaired, but the Poohbah encouraged them to have faith in tradition.  “The ways of the Grundonmobile are mysterious indeed, but none can doubt its veracity as a predictor of spring” said he, and waves of relief washed over the multitude. 

 Next came the explanation of the day’s festivities, including the perpetual vigil at the Parking Space Of The Sacred Grundonmobile, to be manned by anonymous members of The Most Secret And Benevolent Lodge Of The Grundonmobile Society, who operate on rotating shifts and conceal themselves in their own homes so as not to affect the outcome by inadvertently scaring the vultures.  Prior to going on duty, the members were instructed to visit either the shrine of St. Miller The Lite or the Tomb Of The Unknown Lager. It is a testament to the dedication of the volunteers that a number of them made repeated visits.

Inspection time

At the conclusion of the Poohbah’s speech, he graciously signed an autograph for a youngster (“That’s what this is all about---it’s for the kids” said the Poohbah, echoing the words of many a steroid-enhanced professional athlete) and told the crowd we would meet again at 5:00 p.m. and determine if spring had arrived or if there would be three more years of winter.    At 5:00 p.m. the crowd re-convened at Dale Gundon’s house to observe the reading of the poop.  The Grand Exalted Poohbah slowly inspected the vehicle for signs of aerial bombardment.  Tension was thick in the air as the onlookers tried to divine the meaning of the Grand Exalted Poohbah’s facial expressions.  Upon completion of the inspection, the Grand Exalted Poohbah once again donned the Official Grundonmobile Day Crown and proclaimed:  “Spring has arrived!”  Removing his coat, the Poohbah put on a Hawaiian shirt and toasted the arrival of the season with the traditional beverage produced by the Michelob brewing company.

 © Max Hunsicker - 2005
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